(thebody remembers) (age 0 – …)
“…you listen to ME do that MY way! don't YOU argue with me! don’t YOU look at me that way… LISTEN TO ME!” What you do not know I AM listening. every finger in my face every furrow in your brow every hand raised up above my small body every escalation in your tone, the strength force in your inflection makes me listen as my heart begins to blow OUT of my chest. NO! you see this you willknowmybrokennesshowcanyou love me then?
What you do not know is that with each wave of your clear and explicit imperative I AM listening! for the precise moment when and where I will die
(what will I miss?)(what will I never see?)(what DIDN’T I GET?????????)
Each time you make sure I know I am wrong I prepare for my death. You kill me each time with.words. correctme hateme violate me pound words into my heartchestbrainthroatlegsknockingmedownagain and again and again.and.again.and.again.and.again.and.again
“IFONLYYOUHADNTSAIDTHATIWOULDNTHAVE HITYOUTHROWNYOUAGAINSTTHEWALL KICKEDYOUOUTTOLDYOUINEVERWANTEDTOSEEYOUAGAIN SOMEONEELSECANDEALWITHYOU PUT MY HANDS AROUND YOUR THROAT YOUUGLYBIGFATLOOKATYOURBONESHOWBIGYOUARE AREN’TYOUEMBARRASSEDTOBEYOU?WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU STOP CRYING! I’llgiveyousomethingtocry about! IF.YOU’D.JUST.STAY. QUIET!
Oh, I hear you. I await my death from you. My death over and over haunts me since 0 to ... I live small in the corner you backed me into so long ago. I am invisible maybe so this time
I won’t die and tomorrow maybe you will know how to love me
And I will live in your love. I dream. someday. please. maybe. But today I wait to die by you. I wait to die by you and die by you and you and you and you . . .